May 15th
How good it feels to get things done. To set a goal, to analyze how it can be achieved, to take steps to set up all that is needed to do it — and get it done! Simple, right? Yes, it can be that simple, and so fulfilling as well. At the same time, I don’t have to rush anything to finish my tasks — there is nothing that I want to get as soon as what I am doing is done. During my drinking days any task, anything I set to do would have to be finished very quickly (or abandoned when I saw that it might take longer than I could wait for my reward). There was always the ulterior motive of a reward waiting for me as soon as my goal was achieved, and many times I would start to reward myself with alcohol during doing something — and because of that, often I would do a half-assed job, so I would be done quicker.
No more lying to myself, that starting something only to abandon it as soon as it would get difficult. No more just making plans, trying to convince me that this time it will be different, that this time I will get it done. Really — it is very easy to stick to a plan, go step by step to get the end result. And even if along the way something has to be changed, postponed for whatever reason — there is no need to panic. I already proved to myself that I can get results. One way or the other, I will get there.
For years, I planned to clear out and clean the outbuilding in my yard. It was a convenient place to store all kinds of junk and garbage for me and my family. Things that were no longer needed but for whatever reason were kept there. All kinds of crap — from old windows and pieces of siding to hundreds of cardboard boxes. This time I didn’t just say that it has to be done — I rented a waste container, hired a guy to help with all that junk (some stuff was heavy and had to be taken down from the attic). And we were done today in three hours. I can feel now the muscle aches, the overall tiredness, I can still smell all that garbage even though I took a shower and already washed my work clothes. But I am happy! The outbuilding will still require a lot of work — to organize all that was left after clearing out, especially all my garden tools and supplies — but the most difficult part is done. During that work today I found at least ten empty bottles, I used to drink in the outbuilding or was hiding empties there. After my in-patient therapy, when I got home, my brother helped me to get rid of empties that were there, but apparently, we didn’t get them all. I was surprised how calm I was with that — calm and also disgusted. But I didn’t stop to think or reminiscent about where from my old life they came, I just put them in the bag and threw it in the garbage. Done! It really is that simple, and it gets easier every day!
I also found an old painting there, I showed it to my mom who thinks that it belonged once to my great-great-grandmother. I put it in a safe and dry place and will try to restore it. I am not religious, and I don’t think that this painting has any artistic, or esthetic, or monetary value — but it is priceless as a family heirloom. It will have a new place somewhere in my home.
