May 1st

Why do I get all those angry thoughts? I am not an angry person, I praise myself for my calmness and composure. And yet, recently more than usual, I get those angry, violent thoughts — after seeing (seemingly innocent) situation while driving, or at the store, or on the street, in my mind, I imagine this situation and people involved as somehow against me and wronging me. And then, in my mind, I look for an escalation of this situation to the point of confrontation and then my domination over what happened and over people who (in my imagination) had caused it. That bothers me a lot. When it happens I try immediately to change my thoughts to something pleasant, to something normal. I try to take several breaths, count to ten in my head while moving my fingers to stay calm, and for my mind to clear. Sometimes that works, sometimes after literally a couple of seconds my thoughts go back to the possibility of violent confrontation. It’s almost like I am looking for it or towards being challenged by somebody — so I can prove… Well, exactly what do I want to prove? And to whom? To myself? Prove what — that I am stronger than others? that I will not back off from a challenge? that I have a moral superiority? that I can put others down where they belong?

I don’t know, my mind is tricky (and very likely somewhat damaged from the years of substance abuse) and at this point, I am more and more aware that I might not be a nice person I imagined myself to be. I always had an excuse — I drink, I am addicted to alcohol so that behavior is not really true of me. Well, it seems that IT WAS truly me. All this time — that it was my personality. And now, I don’t have any more mitigation for that. What I have is awareness of what is happening in my head, need to change it, and will to look for tools that can help me achieve that.