May 21st

My garden (cutting grass this morning)

A quick update and roundup of what is going on with me and in my life:

• I am extremely concerned about the fact that two nights in a row I have had alcoholic dreams (and so very realistic at that…). I rarely dream or remember my dreams in the morning, so dreams like that are very concerning to me. I cannot figure out why I would have these dreams, what exactly in my head is causing those cravings? There is always an underlying issue that causes those dreams — but I just cannot see what it might be? Nonetheless, it affects me in a very bad way. I feel nervous, out of sorts, have problems concentrating (today I forgot to turn on my lights while driving FOUR times!). All that winds me up even more. I hope I can get good and normal sleep tonight.
• I still get angry at little things or even for no reason. Again, I just don’t see any underlying reason for it. I know there is something there in my mind that causes my recent crisis, and yet I don’t know what it is.
• Yesterday I had a first therapy session with my new therapist. I already knew Anna from my therapy stay last year, but it is still a huge change for me. It was only the first session, but I already can see a different approach from her than Ada. I know I will need several sessions to see where and how my therapy is going with her, but I am a little concerned, not gonna lie.
• I spent a pleasant mid-morning today working in the garden and loved every minute of it. My garden looks great in May — everything is green, everything is flowering, there is a sweet and intoxicating smell in the air. There is still a lot of stuff I want to do there, but I will take it easy — every other weekend doing something is enough.

Overall I don’t feel well with myself. Over the last couple of days, something was, and still is going on in my head that causes my nervousness, my cravings. I need to quickly figure it out, so I can take countermeasures and go back to normal life.