May 23rd

Jola, I’ve been coming to your final resting place for the last five and half years since you were gone. Mostly to cry, sometimes to have a long monologue about everything that was happening to me. For a long time I envied you because you weren’t hurting anymore. I was hurting, because you were gone and because my life was in shambles. I made a lot of promises there to you, only to break them the moment I left the cemetery. There were always “tomorrow”, “soon”, “when I am ready” excuses. Our life together wasn’t very good or easy, but I needed you and I think you needed me. And you know that if it wasn’t for you, I would be dead many years ago. When we met, you gave me hope and strength to go on. I couldn’t do the same when you were sick and needed help.

I was there in Augustów yesterday. I was there as a different person. I’ve been sober for the last nine months — the longest since I started drinking at 16. I am a different person now, I feel so much better, so much more in control of my life. I always wanted you to see that side of me, that real me. I know you would be proud of all the changes that I made in my life.

Jola, I miss you so much. I will stay strong and keep working on my recovery. I don’t want to disappoint you. Once, as a person you gave me hope to go on living, now your memory gives me resolve to stay on this path.

Jola, you can be proud of me. I will not fail.