May 24th

“I am going to get SO drunk tonight!”. Well, not me — I don’t plan on drinking tonight or any other night for the rest of my life. That was what my co-worker yelled right before we finished for the day. She spent the whole day trying to close a very important deal and was under a lot of stress and pressure. In the end, she was able to close it (with a help of others), and then that was what she announced to the office. And I got annoyed and pissed by it.

First — why to even say something like that for everybody to hear? Why let everybody know that getting drunk is the first thought that pops in her head when there is a reason for celebration. And she has a reason to celebrate tonight, but why by getting drunk?

I guess it’s because she can. She is not addicted, she doesn’t know what alcohol can do to you. People can and will drink without being or getting addicted — to celebrate, to relax, to cry, to socialize, to have fun. I think I understand that. I think I was like that once, a very long time ago (actually — it feels like that was in some other life, and like that wasn’t really me).

And then I lost control. It didn’t happen one day, it was a culmination of years of getting physically and mentally dependent on alcohol. When I realized what was going on, it was too late. Too late to do anything about it by myself. After years of lying (mostly to myself) that I can control it, that I can manage it — I had to admit that I was powerless. I had to put aside my pride and humbly ask for help. Even for help from those that offered it in the past and I rejected it.

So, other people can drink, they can talk about it (it seems curious, but I think that when people stop talking about drinking but continue to do so nonetheless — then they have a problem), plan it, maybe even enjoy it. When they do — and loudly proclaim it — it bothers me (I feel the same when I see drunks in public). I cannot and I will not. I am doing fine with a very tough and tricky disease (and even if this sickness is of my doing it is still a disease). Many (well — vast majority) of days, I don’t think about it, it doesn’t cross my mind when I just go about my life.

But, it is still there in my mind, in the back of my head. It still rears its ugly face once in a while. I am working on controlling it better, on living with it for the rest of my life. I don’t need reminders like that one today at work. Obviously even talking about it bothers me and has an effect on my thoughts and feelings.

People shouldn’t loudly and publicly announce their intentions to get wasted. In my opinion — people should shut up about their private lives and private plans in public on the whole. No one, and me especially, wants to hear it and know about it.