May 29th

For the last week or so I wasn’t feeling 100% mentally. Something was missing, something wasn’t right. I felt nervous and easily triggered. I could feel a crisis or craving coming up, and that knowledge made me even more on the edge. From my recovery standpoint, it shouldn’t be happening — I was taking care of things around me the way I was supposed to. I was acutely aware that there is something that I missed, and it causes those troubling emotions. And today I finally found out what was it —

lack of physical activity and physical exhaustion

I was busy as always, doing a lot of things, but those things were not physically demanding. I wasn’t getting tired — I did not go for any long walks or hikes, I did not go for any bike rides. Even the nice trip I had last Saturday that was mostly driving, with some walking between spells behind a wheel. I worked most of the week from home and did not go on morning walks as I was accustomed to doing before. And today started similar — taking mom and aunt shopping, again I wasn’t feeling well, there was this underlying nervousness. After that, I spend three hours working in the garden and I could feel, as I was getting tired my emotional state was getting much better. I become calmer and more composed. That was all I needed — sustained activity leading to slight muscle ache and pleasant tiredness. I could feel my thoughts becoming organized and quite normal again. And now, after an afternoon nap, I feel emotionally stable and in a pleasant mood.

That was again a small deviation from my normal routine that changed my behavior and emotional state. I need to be more aware and more prepared (i.e. do better job planning) for all my mental, emotional and physical needs. A lack of one or the other will have a negative impact on my overall well-being as it happened this week. Again — a good and valuable lesson in my recovery.