May 4th

How can I know any truth about anything when I don’t really know how I look like? I mean, I know my reflection in my mirror in the bathroom, that is my look, that what I see when I wash my face, shave and use some moisturizers and creams. That is what I compare myself to when seeing other reflections. I know the mirrors at work — one is almost the same as mine at home, and the other elongates my face a little (and I think I look better in this one than in the others). I like a lot my reflection in the glass on the front doors at my moms. I know my look when I take a selfie — either on the phone screen or when uploaded to a computer on the big screen. I know there are differences between those reflections, but I know the basic idea of how I look like. I know I am not handsome, but I think I can manage. But today — I went to a shopping mall, bought some pants for work for the warmer days. When I was trying those pants on in a changing room with all those oversized mirrors and blinding lights I caught my reflection. In those mirrors I looked terrifyingly bad, I looked grotesque, I looked hideous. And I felt very ugly, I felt very bad for the way I look there. I think the mirrors in changing rooms in malls should work the other way, they should cover any deficiencies of one’s looks. So now I don’t know what to believe…. Believe my mirrors — that I can look fine and passable, or believe what I saw at the mall — that I look ugly and am unsightly? Do I even care? Asking somebody else to tell me how I look like is just asking for lies. So I don’t know, and it bothers me. Not a lot but enough to sit down and write this post about it.

At least being there I bought some very nice, elegant and comfortable pants for work (and a nice shirt as well) so I got that working out for me.