Modesty

October 29th

On Wednesday I felt like a much better person and employee than my colleague from work — he recently turned in his resignation and it was accepted just like that, no big deal, no “what can we do to keep you here” as it was the case with my resignation. Immediately after I felt this superiority, I felt shame at my feelings. I felt it was wrong for me to put myself on a higher pedestal and I should not feel like I am better than others. But then asked me — “why?”. What is the reason that I feel ashamed of that when I clearly could say that I am better and more valued than someone else? I guess it has to do with the way I was raised. I remember constant admonitions from my childhood — be modest, be meek, show humility. Remember that pride is a cardinal sin. Remember that hubris was the downfall of so many proud people. Remember if you show any arrogance or visible self-confidence people will dislike you and you will leave yourself open for criticism. All that was ingrained in my mind. And my family all behaved this way — it is better to be just a person who blends in a grey background than to show any strength and individuality. And yes — that is a good way to avoid being noticed and being criticized. But if a person is never criticized, that person will be unaware of other options and other ways of doing things. That person will stay quietly doing everything the same way as before and as others do.
I am far from being arrogant about myself and my abilities, I am aware of my faults and the ways I can be a better person. But I don’t think showing self-confidence and some superiority without pretentiousness is wrong in any way. And it took me 40 years to actually realize that. Truly — the way we grew up and our childhood environment shape us in the way we are mostly unaware — without deep self-analysis or therapy. I am lucky I have and can use both now and I do take full advantage of those tools for my self-betterment and growth as a human.