Narcissus
May 11th
Let me start with apologies to Carly Simon — I am so vain, I am writing this post about me; I am so vain, I think everything is about me, about me, about me.
Vanity is easy. It doesn’t cost me anything and yet can make me happier and more content. Well, it can cost something, maybe some smidgen of self-esteem or some self-respect. Or it can provide some disappointment when reality hits the vain fantasy I might have about myself. BUT — I can always turn it around and keep my vain estimate of myself by blaming other people for not knowing, not noticing, and not realizing my perfection. Or just think of them as jealous — yes, that always puts me in a better place when I can convince myself that unflattering comments (or looks) from other people are only made because of their jealousy. And being wrong. Since in my eyes I am correct, they have to be mistaken.
Today, in the morning as I was getting ready to leave for work, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Well, a glimpse is technically true, but in reality, I was (as I always do) taking a good look at myself before leaving home. There was nothing unplanned about it. You know, just to make sure everything is in order and better than just presentable. But this morning I actually surprised myself — I looked good. Very good. Seriously, very good. Stunningly, seriously, very good. Of course, I spend a while just admiring my reflection in the mirror. I am in a good shape for my age and have the right proportions for my body. I have an interesting, mature but adventurous face, good skin, and hair (not much of the hair admittedly) carefully combed. My clothes were flawlessly arranged for fashion sense and color matching and comfort. The entire package was impeccably and effortlessly just correct and fine and outstanding.
And at work, there were two comments and compliments about my looks from women who themselves care about appearances, and know what they are talking about when talking about the looks and that made me even happier. My vanity was off the charts and off a scale that I didn’t even know existed in my head. And I quite like those women who complimented me today. And even though all that was just about temporal appearance as I presented myself today, that was enough to give me more confidence to push through my point of view, to say some compliments myself to other people (well, the coworkers I might fancy a little), to get some things done better and quicker and smoother.
Today, my vanity paid off. Let’s see about tomorrow. Will keeping the pretenses be as easy as today? Or will it require some actual work? Maybe even some work on the substance of myself, which I don’t fancy at all.
