Nightdriving

November 14th, 2022

I just couldn't avoid it.

God, I tried and tried to reschedule and reshuffle my things to avoid it, but to no avail. I had to drive at night this weekend. It was supposed to be only around 7 pm but since the sun goes down now around 4 pm the darkness was going to be total. And the first 7 kilometers (before I would get to the main expressway) were through the deep and unforgiving forest on a narrow and winding road.

This is only an irrational fear, I know. Other people drive at night, in the rain or snow, without a problem or a second thought. But I am not other people. I am me. And I don't like it. And even though I spend a fortune on glasses that might assist me in situations like that, it only helps me lower my apprehension a tiny bit. I don't feel in control driving at night. There are too many shadows moving and lurking along the streets and roads. Headlights blend with each other and with the streetlights to take away my ability of depth perception. The road surface always looks wet and slippery. I feel nervous and distracted (and distraught as well).

It was no different this time. I wasn't driving as much as I was crawling at 20 kilometers per hour with a tight grip on a steering wheel and eyes scanning from side to side for any animals which might be crossing the road. The road that I know well was a surprise, with each turn appearing suddenly in the headlights. There were definitely more turns than I remembered from driving there in the daylight. And then the headlights of a car driving in the opposite direction completely made me lose my cool as that car whizzed by at a high rate of speed.

Ok, that was a lie — that sentence above. There was no coolness in me from the beginning, so there was nothing for me to lose. But that sudden and uneventful incident did something I cannot explain. I became hyper-aware. I wasn't just concentrating (and dreading at the same time) on driving. Instantly, I realized that I can see and recognize different shades of darkness. I saw some very tiny and out-of-place lights in the forest and on the road ahead. I became aware of the moon behind the night clouds, and I became aware of the totality of sensory stimuli which surrounded me right then. I wasn't afraid anymore, I was curious.