Nightmare

November 4th

I had a terrible nightmare last night. I feel awful today, sleepy and still angry. And what is worst it was completely avoidable on my part —

First of all, 99% of the time I sleep well (that of course since I stopped drinking). I fall asleep within 5 minutes of turning my lights off and wake up after 6 or 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep. But once in the while, I have those horrific nightmares. In this one last night, I decided to start drinking again — and I remember that in this dream I knew I shouldn't do it but I decided that I don’t care and will drink again. I felt like I was rebelling against something and decided that this will be a proper response. I felt just terrible but drank anyway… I woke up in cold sweat and fearful that my sobriety is gone. I fucked it up. It took me 10–15 minutes to actually realize that I am in my bed, it’s the middle of the night and it was just a nightmare. This dream was so realistic that I got up from bed to check if I am really sober and that I really didn’t drink. I barely slept after that and got up this morning in a foul mood.

And I knew it was coming, that nightmare that is. I let myself get winded up over the last couple of days, I let situations beyond my control take over my mind and my thoughts. I let myself stew in relentless anger and depression. That was the trigger for this dream which is simply my alcohol craving that was visualized in my mind. I know all that, I learned all about it in my therapy, I have tools and knowledge to recognize it and avoid it. And yet — I let it happen, knowing very well where it will lead me. Those situations are not frequent but I would prefer to avoid them altogether. There is still a lot for me to learn about myself — especially how to control my anger and be able to just let some things go. I didn’t do it this time. I let toxicity take over my thought process. A good lesson for the future — anger is a natural emotion but unchecked and uncontrolled will lead me mental anguish I want to avoid.