No punishment as a reward

November 7th

Continuing the theme of addiction recovery therapy — my therapist asked me during our last session what is my reward for not drinking, what is my reward for my current lifestyle. My first and immediate answers were straightforward:

• I no longer loath the person I see in the mirror (actually, I quite like that guy now).
• Every day I see my growth as a person, as a friend, as a brother, as a son.
• I experience new emotions and new depths to emotions I previously had.
• I can analyze my thoughts and actions with clarity and better understanding.
• I regained hope in my life that lets me plan my future and take appropriate actions.
• I regained my self-esteem and feeling of self-worth that lets me take better care of myself and ease my way through life.
• I make decisions and choices based on reality and with consideration to my future.
• I learned to let myself be happy, or be lazy, or be annoying, or be needy, or be outspoken without feeling any guilt about it.
• I let myself be as I really am without being ashamed.

All that is very important and nice, but she was asking specifically about my immediate, daily rewards. What do I do to reward myself for another good day or week? I couldn’t quite answer that — for years, my only reward was alcohol and the ability to drink and get drunk. We probed that question in-depth and went back to my childhood and teen years. What was my reward then? And I could only answer that when I was a kid, my reward that I wanted and needed was to be left alone. And I was left alone after all my chores were done, and I wasn’t needed for anything else. Also, as an adult (when I wasn’t drinking) my reward was to be able to spend time on my own, in my own little world. She told me that it seems like for me, for many years, my reward was simply a lack of punishment; lack of new chores to do, no new things to take care of, no need to spend time with people I dislike. I am not sure if I agree with that, but in all honest I am not really sure what is or could be my reward now. Yes — I haven’t replaced drinking with any other specific thing that will provide a reward for me and my mind. I think that my desire to travel (locally and further away) can be something that will be my reward. Even today — I went on a 15 km walk through the forest where I haven’t been in years and I feel different, much calmer and composed now than in previous days. Just the fact of physical exercise and seeing unknown places was enough to change my mood for the better. This is something that I will definitely explore further — how even a short trip can affect my mood and give another dosage of serotonin for my brain.