No singularity!

March 2nd, 2023

…and no totality! And no total singularity! And no singular totality! Full stop! I don't allow it and don't agree with that! Enough is enough and I won’t stand for it!

I think I lost myself for a while and only lost myself a little, but no matter — it was visible and prickly and it took an emotional toll on me. But then I found myself and I think I am back to the normal and regular ability to experience things and emotions and stimuli in their proper intensity. Or if not completely back, then very close to it.

I lost a way I once had, when and where I could find joy and happiness in the simplest and minuscule things around me and in the slightest sensation inside me. For some reason that wasn't enough, or I figured that wanting more is a natural way of sating the greed I have in me — greed for total understanding and total knowledge and total experience.

So I jumped into the Sisyphean task of doing just that. And I got burned by a total burnout of mind and heart and body. I forgot how to have fun and find joy in life — something that I took as a given in my newly built life. But what is once given can be just as easily taken back. Especially when you don't pay any attention to it, and I didn't think I have to.

But now I am back — at least in this cold logical and somber analysis of myself and my actions and my emotions. I took a wrong turn, but I retraced my steps and found my way again. I know I will never achieve the totality and singularity of all I want to know. I also know that life is short and needs fun and joy in it to be counted as properly lived and experienced. And I like to have fun and joy, and I know I can find it in the smallest things around me. I don't even need to make any special effort — just to slow down and let emotions and feelings come naturally from what surrounds me at any given moment.