Very important day on Saturday. I did everything I set up to do — shopping in the morning, cleaning the house in the early afternoon, a phone call to Agnieszka in the evening, and a walk to the woods in the late evening. I felt glad that I did all that and I wasn't upset that maybe I should do more. Starting in the early afternoon I realized that I feel overwhelming calmness, I felt that everything slowed down, I didn't have to do or think anything special. I was able to look in-depth into whatever I was doing, I was at peace. I felt inner quietness and serenity. It was something so new and wonderful that I think I become a little afraid of this tranquil feeling. Was it acceptance? Was that this huge step in my therapy that was missing and finally I was able to achieve without even trying? Is this really happening to me — am I becoming completely aware and agreeing with myself that I can lead a life with my flaw that is alcoholism? I also realized that I don't really need to do things that I don't want to do — like writing this blog — there are days that I want to put something here ar even need to, and other days I simply cannot be bothered. I don't need to force myself to do anything, even if it something that I planned — my plan can be changed or adjusted to reflect what I need and want at this point in my life. I feel that it was a breakthrough day for my sobriety and for my life in general.
There are a couple of things that I want to do and plan how I will be able to achieve them in near future:
- I am gaining weight, I want to plan how to get in shape and keep the HALT program at the same time.
- I will continue my driving lessons and get my driver's license again, having that and a car will make my life so much easier.
- I want to go back to reading — BUT I don't need to force myself to read something just because I think I want to, if I don't like it I will go and read something else.
- I want to continue online classes, at least twice a week
- I want to learn more about local history and I made a good start with some PDFs on this subject.