November 3rd

My cat Julek likes to sleep like this.

My cat Julian (Julek) is still angry at me, lets me pet him but only for a couple of seconds, doesn't like me picking him up yet, doesn't come to me when called. No wonder — I wasn't home for two months, he had to rely on my mom to feed and pet him, and he had to sleep alone (and deal with Franek my dog — who cannot sit still and possibly has ADHD and bothers Julek a lot…), but he will come around eventually.

Today was my first full day outside of therapy, first day sober in many, many years. I wasn't sure what I was expecting; I was sober for 54 days at therapy but that was in a safe inpatient facility, now I am on my own. I don't know what it means to go through a day sober, seems like I will have to learn normal, sober life anew. I will keep writing this blog as a record of what I feel and learn and deal with learning sobriety.

In the morning I did some shopping for myself and mom, went to see her (and my aunt Bozena, my mom’s sister — they live together). Adam was there, he came to Poland yesterday trying to beat lockdown in the UK. I still am not ok with him visiting and staying with mom for 2 months, he is not an easy person to be around; he is loud, always talking and bothering others, it seems that there is a lot of him everywhere all the time. I feel worried that this will be a tough time for my mom (and Bozena) with him being around. I said clearly when I found out that he decided to come to Poland that this is a bad idea, he cannot stay with me and I don't want to see him drinking. I am still a little irritated; we didn't really talk today, I will do what I can not to be bothered by this situation.

The rest of the morning went on with little problems — I went to the green market for more shopping for mom, I set up her laptop and a printer in another room where she will be sleeping — Adam took over her room now for his stay in Poland. I went to the attic to get winter clothing for me and mom and Bozena. I felt normal, it’s difficult to describe it any other way, my emotions were in check and balanced. I felt a little anxious when I went to the dentist ( I always do) but then I was pleasantly surprised that there is really nothing wrong with my teeth that has to be done soon; I got some pointers from my dentist — I will have to pull a tooth but I don't have to hurry, can take care of this whenever. Then more shopping and I went home — it was already dusk and raining and I felt tired — had to take care of myself before cravings would come. It seems so normal to do so but in recovery and sobriety nothing can be taken for granted, had a big dinner after coming home and I cleaned around the house and felt satisfied. Then a phone call with a doctor from my new insurance, I had a lot of questions about what I can do for my health but I felt annoyed after talking with her. She wasn't really listening to my concerns, was obviously trying to finish this conversation quickly. All I was able to accomplish was getting a referral for laboratory morphology work and chest RTG — but since I go back to work next week, I will have to do this in the second half of November. I am happy that this setback didn't wind me up, and I was able to calmly accept that I cannot do anything more about it — I will simply have to re-plan what and when I can do for my physical health.

After that, I stayed at home, did two loads of laundry, cleaned around, ate some more, got more books for my e-reader, and wrote this blog entry. I feel satisfied that I am sticking to my Recovery Plan, having to make changes doesn't wind me up and I accept it with calm, I guess that is what non-addicts feel every day going about their day — kind of curious and brand new feeling for me.

Affirmations: I am confident, I am resilient.

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footsteps of the Furies

“for they knew what sort of noise it was; they recognize, by now, the footsteps of the Furies”. Enjoying life on the road to recovery. Observing and writing.