November 5th

Strange day, in a bad kind of way. Started normally, I went to get an RTG of my chest done, then to the pharmacy for my mom, then more shopping (I bought myself a nice winter jacket) but all the time I felt tired and under the weather — I might be getting a cold. Some bad news about my driving lessons, at best I will start late next week — felt disappointed by this. Went to mom’s, talked a little, did some work in the garden but I felt indifferent and rather bored and tired. I think that tiredness is my biggest problem now — I try to do a lot and my legs already hurt; I have to watch it so I don't get cravings because of that. Decided to go home after early dinner, I felt strange, felt bored, and without any energy — again something to watch carefully.

I felt disappointed at me at home — I ate a lot, I just constantly need something to eat, I am gaining weight already and I don't like it. Instead of doing something productive (and I have a lot of things planned), I just wallowed in my boredom and read something on the internet and on my cellphone. I felt depressed and sluggish and I think I had my first alcohol craving since therapy, food helped for a while but this is a bad sign and I felt scared. If my future, sober life will look like this I don't know what I will do.

I forced myself to sit down and write a blog; I started to feel a little better; I need to rethink my strategy as to what to do with everyday life. Boredom will be my downfall as well as the fact that I still don't have someone to talk to or come home to…

I feel pessimistic and sorry for myself.