November 7th
Saturday was a rather normal day. I went to Augustów in the morning to visit Jolas’s grave. The weather was dreary, cold, and was raining. I walked from Augustów Port train station to the cemetery to put flowers and candles on Jola’s grave. I didn't pray but told her that I am sober and it’s difficult and that I forgive her… didn’t stay there, I felt sad and melancholic — like there is something that I am still looking for and it’s always beyond my reach. I took the train back to Białystok, felt sleepy and tired on the way here, couldn't even read but again I ate a lot — it worries me that I cannot control how much I eat.
After arriving in Białystok I went to mom’s, talked with her, Bozena, and Adam, had dinner, and went back home. I felt no energy, I was very lethargic. I forced myself to clean the house and take a bath because Ela was coming over at 6 pm. I felt much, much better when she arrived — she looked stunning but I was disappointed that we didn't hug, I know it’s pandemic and we need to be careful but still….
She stayed over for almost 5 hours, we talked about everything and nothing, I felt very happy even though a little tired. Ela is a great person and a wonderful mother and I think about her a lot recently. I like her and need her to be around, I know I can rely on her to talk when I need to. We hugged when she was leaving, she then went for a kiss on the lips I think but I wasn't sure I moved my head a little so it was only a peck on the cheek. I don't know why I did it but anyway it was a lot of fun to talk to her. I ended the day tired but glad.
Affirmations: I am punctual, I am a good listener.
