November 8th

Julek and me

The morning was very tough, I got up at 8 am, had a big breakfast, everything seemed normal and then I hit me. I think I had an alcohol craving, a very strong one. I could find a place for myself, I tried to do something on the internet, I tried to nap, I tried to read my message boards but nothing worked. I had a profound feeling that there is something missing, there is a lack of something. It is probable that I was already reacting to the fact that on Monday I will have to go for my periodic check-up with a work doctor and then go to work — after 9 weeks on medical leave. I know there is a lot of work to tidy up all emails and get up to date with what was happening at work when I was out. I felt uneasy and shattered until I made myself sit down and write a blog entry for Saturday (Since Ela stayed almost until 11 pm on Saturday I didn't write it then). After doing something productive I felt much more at ease.

I went to mom’s for a Sunday dinner and talk with her, Bozena and Adam. Overall it was very nice, with good food and interesting conversation, I felt not 100% normal but close to that. After getting back home I didn't do much, the thought of going back to work came back to my mind but this time I didn't get winded up by it. At 6 pm I joined an online AA meeting with a group “Jest rozwiązanie”. I was delighted that I finally decide to do it, I know I need it especially when I might be experiencing cravings. There were only 6 people there and I had a moment when I felt anxious about it —I felt that it was beyond my comfort zone. I really worried about nothing in the end — the group invited and embraced me warmly, I surprised myself that several times I spoke at length about my problems to people that I just met. I need to remember that this is the reason for AA groups, they will help when help is needed. I know that I will need it while learning how to live a sober life. I felt pride that I joined and participated in this group; it makes joining online AA meetings in the future much easier.

It is Sunday evening, my first week after therapy being on my own with my recovery and addiction. I feel satisfaction and self-confidence that I’ve done almost all things from my plan for the first week of my recovery. There are some delays and snags (like my pharmacological test and driving lessons) but those are beyond my abilities to do anything about it. I feel happy that I’ve done what I could, there were no excuses on my part that I cannot do or at least start something that I planned and set up. Even though I had cravings a couple of times I feel pleased with this week. I feel upbeat for the future.

Affirmations: I am assertive, I am confident.

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