Observer

October 28th, 2024

You can observe a lot just by watching. Ain’t that the truth? I used to call myself an objective observer to cover my lack of decisiveness and proclivity for inaction. I’d rather stay outside whatever was going on and just watch. It is much easier this way to judge others. Me — I wouldn't be judged in any way since I was a nobody, I didn't exist in any circles of action anywhere. I’d pride myself on that.

Then I observed that I was missing a lot of things, like normal human actions and emotions. It seemed too much work to change it, and besides — I went in too deep into observant inaction to do anything about it — or so I told myself. And I stood on the sidelines while everything and everybody was passing me by. My judgment of it all became much sharper and bitter though, so that seemed like a plus.

It is a little different now. I still rather be observing and not getting involved in any activities that might seem ordinary to others. But I also know now that if I want to, or rather if I judge the action itself, not the actors participating in it, as worth my time and my effort — then I will get right into the mix. That happens rarely though. I still watch and observe most of the time. I laugh a lot at the silliness of things people do and care about. I rarely get angry at them, so that seems a plus. I think I stopped projecting my failings and inadequacies onto others. I know my failings and inadequacies. Most of the time, I am comfortable with them until I am not — then I go about changing them. And still observing that whirlwind that consumes everybody and everything in a spiral of passing time.