October 29th

During group I feel mostly tiredness, I think that it is because of those 8 weeks at the rehab facility. Even though I am tired I still try to pay attention and participate in the discussion.

Before the end of the group during the discussion about COVID and the overall socio-political situation, I feel a big surge of emotions — but I feel quite happy that even though I was starting to get wind up because of some of what was said and because of my thoughts I still was able to control it. And here are some of my conclusions:

  • I feel anxiety and apprehension because of COVID — especially with regard to my mom who is 71 years old and suffers from a whole range of coexisting diseases. It is even made worse because of the selfishness of my brother who decided to come to Poland during this difficult time and stay here for at least a month and a half with my mom. He has a lot of friends that he will visit and he is planning some trips around the country disregarding any potential harm from the COVID virus toward mom.
  • The second problem concerning COVID involves my job — looks like the situation will be similar to the situation in spring when we were swamped with work and had to deal with difficult logistic problems with factories and countries and ports and airports going into lockdown. My work itself and overtiredness that is a given are two of my triggers that can push me into relapse, I have to be very careful that I will not give in to temptation.
  • I also feel frustrated and irritated because of the actions of a part of a society where people don't care about restrictions and I feel a complete lack of faith in a basic competency from the polish government (also I am mad because of its parochialism, hypocrisy, and lack of basic respect for most of the polish society and how the government goes hand in hand with nationalistic, fascist militia)
  • On the other hand, I don't have a problem with current demonstrations and protestors (I plan on joining them after being released from this facility) — even if they don't respect in force rules and regulations of social distancing. This is simply civil disobedience that is needed when the goverment applies actions against the lives and happiness of its citizens. Active action that breaks some rules is needed when the goverment through its actions and rules violates fundamental civic values.

In the evening I feel disappointed that I couldn't talk to Ania G about my recovery plan after the therapy, I still don't know if it will be possible before the end of my stay here. The same about the possibility to talk to Ania Sz. So far I was able to talk about it only with Ada and I was hoping to get more input from other therapists before finishing my therapy. And then accidentally I overheard information that Ada won't be in on Saturday, I feel irritated that even though many things regarding my leaving this facility were already solved I was still waiting for the final individual session with Ada to discuss more potential problems after my therapy — there is a lack of clear communication and I don't like it. I also feel that my needs are not met and I am disrespected. I am trying desperately to control my emotions and not become winded up, I want to finish my therapy in peace with myself and with emotional balance.

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“for they knew what sort of noise it was; they recognize, by now, the footsteps of the Furies”. Enjoying life on the road to recovery. Observing and writing.

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footsteps of the Furies

footsteps of the Furies

“for they knew what sort of noise it was; they recognize, by now, the footsteps of the Furies”. Enjoying life on the road to recovery. Observing and writing.

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