October 30th

During morning group I am completely in shock and feel disbelief after hearing Krzysiek’s written work, it is unbelievable what kind of person he was when drinking and what kind of person he is being sober during therapy — there is a huge dichotomy in himself.

Group topic — “The split-self mechanism/Pride and Control System” — very interesting topic, right away I see examples from my life. In my youth, I tried to correct my normal, healthy ego with alcohol to compensate for a lack of self-belief, when it became an addiction I could only see negative things about myself and see myself as a worthless person. I feel pity for what kind of person I was when drinking, I no longer feel anger, sadness, and shame — I think I went through enough of those emotions during therapy.

Now I need to quote a very important verse that explains it much better than I can:

Do I contradict myself?

Very well then I contradict myself,

(I am large, I contain multitudes)

Walt Whitman, Songs of Myself, 51

In the evening I feel amazing overwhelming peacefulness, dare I say — bliss? I feel great satisfaction from my work I put in during my therapy, I see and accept all of the positive changes in me.