On the edge

August 25th

Recently, frequently, I am — on the edge. You know, when you feel like the smallest straw will break the composure and fake facade of coolness you keep on your face. When you feel like punching a wall, or screaming obscenities, or even worse — like finally screaming a truth into somebody's face. Like just keeping yourself from bursting out and doing something stupid and regretfully, or even illegal or criminal. Like just holding it together for the sake of something or somebody. Mostly for the sake of keeping appearances. Like that.

I can quickly calm myself down from feeling like that, but the bitter taste of disgust remains on my mind. Disgust at myself that again I let myself down and let my emotions take over. And there is poisonous jealousy as well in all that — I feel jealous of other people who in basically the same situations can keep coolness and composure and are organized and resourceful and helpful and quiet and just so much better than me. How the hell they do it, I usually wonder.

Until something happens and I see their true face. And I realize that they are not that perfect. They are just better at pretending a little longer than me that everything is under control when it really isn’t.

I saw it today at work, on two separate occasions my colleagues losing it and losing their cool faces and their calm demeanor. Being visibly on the edge of a breakdown. Or tears. Or slamming the door and never going back here. Or calling out stupidity and incompetence and inconsideration of others. Or just ranting at everything and everybody. And I am sure it isn’t just about work. It goes much deeper, and sometimes the scales of sanity and normalcy get tipped a little too much into anger and irrationality. It is not a pleasant sight. It takes something from them but gives them more naturalness at the same time. We all were or are or will be on the edge of losing it — it is natural human emotion after all.

In the end, both of them were able to pull themselves together. Or maybe they just bottled it internally for some future outburst. Maybe for tonight for yelling at a spouse or a child. I don’t know. But they put on the brave face and went about their work. The facade was set again — to be seen soon and on a possibly much bigger scale.

I do exactly the same. And my awareness of it doesn't make me do anything about it.