On the way

December 11th

There are rhythmic ticktocks of train wheels going round, there is occasional squealing of carriages, there is a flowing constant change of scenery outside the window. And I am sitting on a quite uncomfortable seat on the local train, going to a Christmas party. But a different Christmas party from the usual ones. For starters, there will be no alcohol. This party is for graduates of the therapy facility where last year I saved myself from self-destruction and completely changed my attitude for the life itself.

I don’t believe in any religious higher power or destiny or guardian angels, but I feel thankful that I am here somehow. Here on the train, here on the way, to a party, and here now in my life. On the second thought — scratch that “somehow”. That second chance in life (or is it the fiftieth chance already?) didn’t happen somehow. It was my decision to change it. It was my hard work in therapy and after in real life. It was the support and understating and love of my family and friends that helped me and pushed me in the right direction.

Now I feel calm. I think that is the most easily recognizable difference in my behavior in my sobriety — no rushing, no running, no trying to do everything at once. I got time. I got all the time I want and need in my life. Internal calmness is kind of underappreciated by many, and yet it is crucial to a normal and fulfilling life.

I got it now. And actually, I could just sit on my seat on this train and travel two more hours to its final destination — just looking out the window, with the predictable cadence of wheels and squeals for companionship. I wouldn’t need or want anything else. But not this time just yet — my station is coming up, and I got old friends to meet and new friends to make.