Out of place

May 3rd, 2024

I don't particularly pay attention or care about feeling out of place. Anymore — that is. If I am out of place in a specific physical spot, or at a certain time, that only means I am in my own place in my personal time. That is what I like and that is what I strive for in life. That means I am special for having that definite experience, and yet distinct from everything and everybody else. I also don't particularly pay attention or care about my dreams. Mostly because I don't remember what I dreamt about the moment I woke up. Only very rarely do some shreds of dreamtime experience remain within me after the night. Until what I dreamt about keeps repeating time after time and then the nagging uncertainty creeps into my thinking.

That happened last night. I had three separate dreams — which I remembered in detail when I woke up. I still remember them now, details are getting somewhat hazy, but the idea remains. Every dream happened in a different setting but followed the same pattern. I was in a place I knew from my childhood, or my teen years. I was going to my apartment, or my room — basically to my own place. And when I got there, there was already somebody there. Different person every time, and someone completely unfamiliar to me. That person behaved like he was the rightful owner of this place, and wouldn't listen to my claims. In all those dreams, I was very calm and rather resigned to the situation. I felt out of place in places I should feel at home. That was unsettling. It has no connection to my life and has no bearing on my current life experience. And yet, my mind decided to simulate this strange and abstract situation three times in a single night. There can be some reason for it, and maybe something is going on in my life that I simply am not consciously aware of. Or maybe I have just ignored something very important. That is quite likely, since I am very good at ignoring things I don't want to think about or deal with — until my subconsciousness finally tells me that I should pay more attention to it. Now all I have to do is to find out what I was ignoring and dismissing from my thoughts, and that will be a challenge.