Paying the price for the mistakes of the previous life
December 7th, 2022
Mistakes or sins? I haven't decided which word is more appropriate in this setting. I will go with more bland mistakes for now and see where my train of thought will take me. Also, I am not too sure if I should use previous or past life as a description of the long-gone time in my life. We’ll see.
The last couple of years were excellent for me. I really got the dividends of finally being sober and having a normal life. A life where I re-discovered so many new things about life in general, and about me in particular. A life when I re-learned to enjoy little things and appreciate fleeting moments, and came to terms with who I am.
But once in a while, something happens that hits me with a painful reality check. I start to wonder — why I cannot do this, why is that so difficult, why is that out of my reach? I should be able to have it, or do it, as everyone around me does. It should be easier for me, I shouldn't worry about how am I going to achieve this or pay for that. Why me and why now? Is there some kind of conspiracy, an all-encompassing conspiracy, to make particularly my life so tough? Why do I struggle with this and that, when now I do everything by the book, exactly as a grown and responsible adult should?
Quickly comes an answer — it would be much easier if I was a responsible and caring person five, or ten, or twenty years ago. If, all those years ago, I would stop myself from spiraling into an unsolvable maze of despondency and hopelessness. But I didn't, and I cannot repair the past. And there come the times when (as right now) I am called to pay for mistakes from my past. My life is still fine, and will be fine, and will get only better as long as I stay in conscious recovery. Actually, I should say — very good or even outstanding, not just fine. And I think using word mistakes is perfectly fine here, saying sins would be too much and would feel like I am trying to punish myself for something and feel bad on purpose.
And I am way beyond that self-punishment — that is where my excellent life comes into clear view. I might struggle with some things that might have been caused by something from my past, but I will not let it control me. I will not succumb to self-pity and anger. Now that I have my life back, I can build on previous mistakes and concentrate on NOT repeating them. Temporary setbacks will not define my mood and my emotions for too long — if there is a problem, I will find a way to resolve it and be prepared for the future.
