Power on through
April 13th, 2024
I woke up this morning after a sleep that didn't bring much rest — I was asleep but without much conviction in it. I got up and groggily went about doing stuff I planned for Saturday morning and catching on some stuff I didn't do yesterday on account of being dead tired. I went and did some shopping, I cleaned around my place, and I went to the library, but again without much conviction in what I was doing. I thought about canceling the rest of my plans for today and going back home just to sit around and mop over poor, poor, pitiful me. But I kept going. Even without conviction about what I was doing, I kept at it. Then I realized, when around 10 am I went to visit my mom for a coffee, I was suddenly already in the flow of things. In the normal flow of things as they should be on Saturday mid-morning under normal conditions. After that, I went on a bike ride and got a spring check-up and after-winter service on the said bike. After that, I made myself a good lunch and had a nap. Now, I am up again feeling like I am expecting myself to feel, with the tiredness of yesterday only a distant memory. And the expectance of a heavy workload on Monday is still in a distant and fuzzy and inconsequential future. I feel a different kind of tired now — with only a muscle ache in my calves after bicycling against the gusty wind for half of a bike ride today.
Today, I powered on. I powered on through the grogginess and lack of energy and lack of conviction in what I was doing. I kept my routine going as I planned and expected. My mental and physical tiredness — paradoxically — went away as I kept moving and doing things I usually do on Saturday. Granted, those things were small and mundane, but in the wider scope of my emotional state, they were very important, especially since in the morning they seemed insurmountable and pointless. I kept going and kept making small steps until I felt I could get into my normal stride. And that happened easily and automatically as I did nothing more than power on through.
