Real or fake anger?

December 3rd, 2023

I don't know if that is real. Or what exactly is real. It seems like I am searching very hard for any excuse, for any reason, for anything I can latch on to be angry. I dont even know if I am really angry, or I just want to be angry, because anger is something I understand, something I know very well carnally and intimately closely, something that was a part of me and was my coping mechanism for so long that I don’t see the alternative anymore. Anger gives me perverse comfort, since I know how to operate within the clear borders it gives me. I know what to expect, I know the particular stages of anger that always follow a well-set pattern within my mind. I know my reactions and can predict the strength they will have and their effect on my emotions.

I can control my anger within clearly set boundaries within my mind and continue my life with only a few ill results steaming from that nagging irritation.

But I don't want to be angry anymore in the first place. I don't want to deal with repeated attacks of anger that keep appearing in my mind like clockwork. My anger is very familiar to me and it fits my overall laziness — I know how to deal with it. The reasons for its appearance are secondary; the warm comfort of the familiar is the main point. But within the last three years, I have already changed so much in my life. I got rid of the debilitation patterns that were my emotional triggers and were holding me back from fully developing as a person. So why can’t I now deal with and change the anger that arises within me, threatening to erupt — not externally, but internally — and for me, the possibility of internal emotional imbalance is the biggest fear in my recovery. It seems I need to put more work into my mind, it seems working on a recovery from an addiction is neverending — and I know that. Now, I want to learn to accept it again, and soon.