Reality

October 27th

We are very fragile as humans, we might pretend to be strong and organized and ready for anything but we really aren’t. My co-worker called me today, he is the one that was sick in the hospital with the Covid-19 virus over the last couple of weeks. He was discharged yesterday and he called me asking if we can talk. He said that from a physical standpoint he is ok, feels much better, can breathe almost normally. But there is something very different with him — it feels like he is not really there mentally, it is like he watches himself in all aspects of normal life from the side. Like he talks with his sons and it feels like he is watching somebody doing the talking while he is standing to the side. He said that is happy to be back home but there is underlying nervousness that shakes him and makes his whole body tremble. He said that he doesn’t feel wholly like himself from the time before his sickness and hospitalization. Like there is something missing, something that he cannot put his finger on it but it makes him restless and on the edge.

We worked together for the last 5 years in the same department, desk by desk. But we are just colleagues, we are not close, not close enough for sharing information like that. I was very surprised by the fact that he decided to talk to me about it. Also, I was very glad that he decided that I am a person he finds so trustworthy to open like that with his emotions and feelings.

I tried to reassure him that it is only a temporary side effect of his illness and the virus that ravaged his body. On top of that — in hospital, he was pumped full of antibiotics and other medication — that can easily change the way the brain works and how our perception changes. Even in response to the easiest, normal, everyday things we do. I could tell he was scared, he said he just wishes to be back to his normal self, he doesn't like that new person he became after the illness. Again, I tried to cheer him up but I can tell that didn’t really work. And I am not surprised that he is scared — the whole way in which he perceived the reality of everyday life is changed and might not come back. And what if that new way he sees reality is the correct one? That it was not just an illness but also some kind of awakening?