Relentless

October 28th, 2023

Relentless, obsessive, frazzled and fragged thoughts. I cannot let it go. I try to stay busy and keep my head up, but those thoughts keep coming back. Each thought brings back the feeling of duplicity and deceit I experienced recently at work. I try to stay calm and enjoy the weekend, but it is just so damned hard…

I know I wind myself up for nothing. Nothing will come out of that situation, or at least I can't predict what will happen and how I will react to the situation on Monday. Yet, it doesn't stop me from creating countless and extremely far-fetched scenarios in my head. All that is pointless and counterproductive.

But I don't give in. I know that particular anxiety. I experienced it countless times in my life. I know it all stems from my deep-seated fears of inadequacy and sickening striving for personal perfection. I know, and yet my mind keeps reminding me that I might not be in complete control of my emotions and moods.

But I don't give in. I went to a library today and got three books. Instead of the normal type of books I usually get (literary, historical, or original sources from centuries past), I got three classics of Polish Sci-Fi. Three books I have read already, but that was more than thirty years ago. I don't remember much of the plot of those books, but I remember I loved them and I expect as much from reading them again. It is a light reading for a change for me. And I feel that is exactly what I need to keep my thoughts in check and focused on something else. Maybe I will even let myself relax and enjoy what is left of the weekend. Monday and work can wait. My well-being and my self-care cannot.