Relief
November 10th
I surprised myself again. It happens from time to time when something happens that is so extraordinary and new to me and my experiences, that I cannot help myself to be astounded. Maybe even a little proud of myself. And something like that happened to me yesterday.
I was already better. I was aware of the anger and rage that consumed me on the previous day. I was in better control and was mostly ok. There was some underlying nervousness that it might happen again. It came over me so easily that I was kind of expecting it to happen again.
But I was going about my routine, doing my normal things in a particular order, just as I normally do. The evening went on uneventfully, but this nagging and throbbing doubt was still somewhere in the back of my head. Since I didn't want to have another nasty and sleepless night, I was watching myself and my emotions very carefully.
And then it happened. It was so quick that I missed when and exactly how it started. I was in my bed already, reading a book. Suddenly I became aware that I am fine. Truly fine and comfortable and at peace. I was back to who I was 24 hours before. A normal me again. The relief from anger and doubt was nothing but completely shocking. It came out of the blue, without any of my doing, and was all-encompassing. Within minutes (seconds, maybe) the very difficult previous hours become a memory. I felt great, strong, and in control of my emotions. I felt pleasure and was smiling again — to myself, but that was enough. I regained the ability to laugh and find humor in simple things. It really felt like all that happened during the previous 24 hours — the anger, the rage, the feeling of powerlessness — left my body and my mind in a manner like someone would just pull the plug and all that drained from me. I don't remember having this experience and feeling ever again before.
And for all the great and amazing emotions of relief I experienced so suddenly yesterday, I still would rather not go through all that caused me deep discomfort and made that respite so much sweeter. But I take feeling well again in any way I can. I am ok now and that is all it matters.
