Relief and release

January 6th, 2023

I was untrue in my behavior lately. Was I outright lying? Or was I just trying to protect something — in this case my sanity? Internally, I was a chaotic and tumultuous mess, with my emotions and thoughts and mood swings going on several mutually incompatible sinusoids at the same time. Outwardly, I was fine, I was still going through the routine of everyday life, complaining about this or that, bitching about being tired but keeping up my blase face as I do habitually.

It was the same yesterday when my outward coolness and composure were only a cover for a tightly winded-up ball of anger and fear and internal turmoil. And that mess inside me slowly started to flow out and I started to snip out at people. And by people I mean my mom. That only made me even angrier — at myself of course, and the idiocy of my uncouth behavior. I was also lost as to what I can do to change it. But mostly I was tired. I felt too tired to even to bed and try to sleep.

So, I put my headphones on and put on some music. As I was doing that, I realized that I haven't really listened to music for many weeks now. And that was definitely something missing from my normal, routine behavior. It took me a while to decide what I wanted to listen to, everything seemed pointless and stupid and boring. But I started anyway. And to my huge surprise, after just a few songs I felt a change coming onto me. I felt like something better left unsaid was leaving my body and my mind. I started to feel the energy I haven't felt in a long while. I was having fun! Again and at last! I even shed tears of emotional release while listening to this — and I know it is a great song and an amazing band, but come on! I cried happy tears to a soppy and sentimental country song (are there any other kinds of country songs?), and I felt great about it.

The relief and release come to me suddenly and unexpectedly. I feel fine and ok and solid today, and this time without lying to myself or keeping a brave (or just stupid) face for the benefit of others. I feel normal, with stability and just enough verve to even think about being happy. Oh, and of course, I apologized to my mom already. Let everything untrue and unlike me from the last few weeks be bygone.