Remembrance

September 27th

Six years ago, my wife Jola lost her long battle with cancer. Yesterday I visited her final resting place in the cemetery in Augustów. I go there every month but on an anniversary day it is especially hard to do.

Our marriage wasn’t perfect, we both struggled with our demons. But there is no point in dwelling on that — good days and good times for us together were plentiful, and that is what I want to remember. I tell her that every time I visit her grave, it might be silly, but it helps me to cope.

I wish she could see me now, and see how much I’ve changed. I couldn’t (wouldn’t?) do it when she was alive. She would be very proud of me now, I think. She was the closest person I ever had in my life, someone who loved me and supported me, and pushed me to be better. That is something I will never forget.

Today, as a sober, recovering addict, I can say that her death no longer has a hold on me. I will never forget our time together, but I do not define my life by being a widower anymore (in my active addiction, that was an obvious and easy excuse to drink). When she died, we had a lot of things left unsaid — I finally let it go… I will always carry her in my heart, and the best way to honor her memory is to live my life as a conscious and sober person. That is a huge motivation if nothing else.

I think of you every day, and I still miss you so much…

I love you, Jola.