Renewal
March 6th
There is always a possibility of a new start. Many times, that new start is sorely needed. Get it all out in the open. All the dirt and shit that accumulated over previous weeks and months and seasons. See it for what it is. Not trying to cover it anymore or ignore it any longer. Get it out and start working.
Any day is a good one for a start, as long as it is today. There is no need for an arbitrary set date. No more saying “tomorrow” and “soon” and “when I am ready”. No more covering the truth and reality. Do it as soon as possible, stop wallowing in the sludge of negativity and filth of self-pity. Today is a good day for a change.
That is what I did to regain control of my life. Actually, I’ve done it several times over the last year and a half since I admitted to my powerlessness against my addiction. But now, it is no longer about the fundamental choice between being and not being — I already made that choice, my resolve is very strong, I am not afraid of continuing that hard work and have scars to prove that all I’ve done so far is worth it.
Now, it is about admitting that I can control my feelings and emotions in face of overwhelming fear and tragedy. I can be attuned to the surrounding situation, be aware of the painful reality of it, can do my part to alleviate the suffering of other people. And yes, I can get angry and sad as I still rightly do, but I don’t have to allow those feeling to take over my mood and consciousness. Only I control the way I feel. Only I can control the way I feel. I can have a part in things surrounding me over which I have no control. Above that — my inner life, my feelings, and my emotions are my private sanctuary, where only I have access.
That duality of emotions is not something new to me. It was on my mind for a long time, but I never actually said it to myself before — I can be angry and furious and despondent against outside forces over which I have no control, and yet I can be at peace and still enjoy life and things over I do have control.
That really doesn’t seem much of a discovery. For me, it is another diametrical change in my life. I can allow myself sadness and happiness at the same time. I will not let one emotion take over my mind like I’ve done all the time before. My previous way of handling emotions was not right. It was safe and comfortable, like an old blanket. But old blankets need to be washed once in a while, or when no longer enough — replaced. But first, they need to be brought out in the open to see how they really look. Same with thoughts — when out in the open, it becomes easy to see the frayed edges and holes in their narrative. Then the difficult and dirty work can start. And the result will be something clean and new. Right on time for spring cleaning.
