Repetition or memory repression

June 16th, 2023

No memory is truly and completely repressed. Memories might be forgotten or compartmentalized or projected onto falsehoods that appear as something we think we remember. Our past is not only full of ghosts but also of phantasies — of our own making.

But there are always traces of all memories, even those that we think we wiped out from our minds, or those we think our mind did its expected work and deleted them from ever getting to the surface. The only forgotten memories are those that never happened to us.

Memory traces appear visible in our actions — neurotic, strange, repetitive, self-defeating, or obsessive actions. Our actions become a physical reenactment of what we think we repressed. We reproduce in our actions what we think we lost from our memories.

And we repeat those actions without knowing we are repeating them.

I can only vaguely come to terms with the knowledge that my actions are representative of something I consciously don't remember — even when I am actively trying to dig deep into my mind. What happened to me that I repeatedly strive for orderly perfection in my life without ever getting it quite right. What happened to me that I obsessively look at proper closure no matter what the cost. What happened to me that I constantly worry and magnify the slightest slights that only I can see and perceive.