Riddle me this…

December 20th, 2023

I am not ok, and I havent been ok for several weeks now. It is not just that I am still weak from my illness, or that I might be suffering from a seasonal depression. I think I was able to figure out what the problem is — for several weeks now, I have been suffering from alcohol cravings. I know that is expected in the process of recovery from addiction. I know that those cravings will come and go — and the longer I am sober, the less frequent they will be. And that is how it worked, until now, that is. Instead of being less frequent, now they are becoming strong and numerous. The question, of course, is why — and there are several issues that might cause them in me — a feeling of being forced to do something I don’t want or care about, a feeling of not being in control, a feeling of not being listened to, a feeling of not being appreciated and taken for granted. There might be some others as well (for example, being around other people who drink, or being around alcohol per se — where now the easiest Christmas gift from my suppliers is a bottle of alcohol…), but that is the gist of it. Today, though, something else had happened, something that made me scratch my head in surprise. I went to see my mom, and I was feeling quite normal. As soon as I went inside, the extremely strong alcohol craving came over me. That scared me — my family home is supposed to be my safe place, and today it didn't feel like it — but quite the opposite. I don't know why at all. What was suprising as well, was that the craving was gone as soon as I left mom’s… I have no clue how to explain it, how to even start analyzing it. Something is going on and I don’t like it. I feel like I am tethered to a very thin line over the deep chasm. I think I am scared now.