Routine chaos

June 21st

…or chaotic routine and its relationship with the order of things. I’ve been thinking a lot lately, usually about things. And about me in relation to those things around me. And there are some interesting conclusions that come to mind after all this thinking.

I always thought that I need a routine — for every day, but different for work days with the inclusion of my after-work activities and different for weekends. And different daily routines that are based also on different seasons. But a routine nonetheless. I felt comfortable when I knew what was coming every day, every week, and every month. I felt safe knowing the predictable progression of the same things throughout the days and weeks and seasons. If, for some reason I couldn’t keep up with my routine, I felt out of sorts, disjointed and chaotic. I felt that spontaneity does not work for me and makes me uncomfortable and is simply an unproductive use of my time. And as I am getting older, time is becoming very precious to me. Got no time for wasting my time now.

But something had changed over the last week. I was sick, and my daily routine went to hell. I didn’t like it, but I had to accept it. Mostly, I wanted to feel healthy and without pain. Everything else was a secondary concern, and it had to wait until I get better — then I could go back to my normal routine. But do I really want to or need to? I feel that something significant had shifted in my mind and my approach to the issue of having everything planned well in advance. I feel much better physically and could just pick up my routine where I left it last week but I feel that there is no need. Nor do I want to. I feel a strange sensation that even when I do things not as planned, not as I did them before, or I don’t do them at all — nothing happens. Ok, I mean nothing bad happens. I go about my life, I do what I want to when I want to, and the Earth keeps spinning. I don’t feel bad about not doing something that I thought I NEED to do to have complete control over my time. It is ok to do less and not in the exact order as I set myself to do.

But there is also something else, I am not sure if I can properly name this emotion and feeling. Is it more freedom? Is it more libration for me from the jaws of the spinning hands of the clock? Definitely there is more calmness in me without all that need to be rushing to complete one task before moving on to another. It is a strange feeling, and quite significant.