Sadness

December 17th, 2022

I slept exceptionally well last night. I got done all I planned for today, and more. No matter which side I look at it — I am ready for Christmas, with all the gifts and shopping and all. Soon I will have 10 days off for the holiday season. I still have plenty of time tonight and some vague but interesting plans for tomorrow. I don't need to rush or hurry anything. I can do whatever I want. Or do nothing — my choice.

Then why am I so sad? Why is this sadness so overwhelming that it almost feels like I am paralyzed? There are things going on in my life that are not good, or not finished, or might be a big problem for me in the future. But all that is not much different from previous weeks, when I went through the days and nights without much of a problem. What gives now? And why on such an immense and scary scale?

I can go on and think and explain and justify and blame and analyze and create stories about it, and how it will affect me when it will last longer, or what crazy solutions would resolve this sadness. All pointless and idiotic. I need to come to terms with it. Not understand it, there is no need to get too deep into the nooks and crannies of my mind. But just accept that there are days (and nights), but mostly long winter evenings — when the sadness is just a part of normal and fully experienced life.

I don't feel well about it. And with it. I know it will pass, Eventually. So far, all those previous days like a day today, passed into oblivion. So, I count on the same solution now. I just don't want to do anything stupid, or get into a downward spiral toward the next logical step from sadness — that is depression. But I won’t. I feel a tiny bit better now since I started writing those words above. Writing helps. Putting words and emotions out there, without lying to yourself, is always good. Even if there is nobody who reads it. But that is still the sadness speaking through me — I know some people will read it. And besides — I already feel a minuscule change for the better in my mood. Routine helps. I know that. I also know that it is extremely difficult to make this initial push toward the first step in a daily routine. But I already made it just now — by writing, no matter what is going on around me and with me. That is another win for today for me.

Actually, it feels like a huge win. And I will build on that.