Selective memory

May 23rd, 2023

“How was your weekend?” — an innocent question, right? Even when asked by a therapist during our session. And I truthfully answered how well I spent those two days, how it was a good weekend, and how I enjoyed my time. Then, of course, during the session some issues started coming up — how I don’t feel in control of things and search for ways to prove that I am, and how I feel underappreciated and without any praise or compliments that would stroke my ego. And we started probing why that is when my life seems to be going on very well.

And I had nothing — my life is going exceptionally well and the issues are only occasional issues I deal with. But our talk constantly revolved around my lack of reward — either real or expected, either verbal or implied — and I am a sucker for compliments and admiration and need them not only for my ego but mostly for my overall well-being. And I don’t receive them, actually, I don’t remember the last time I heard a good word directed at me or about me. And I go out of my way A LOT to help and show others how good a person I am, even sacrificing my needs and my wants and getting not much in return…

Now wait a minute!

On Saturday, during that great weekend, I spent several hours doing something I didn’t really want to do. And I agreed to it without a second thought, expecting that it might only take an hour and it would be helpful to other people. But it took much longer than I was expecting, and I suddenly remembered how I was getting progressively angrier as it lingered. And not more than two days later, I blocked that episode from my memory and remembered only pleasant stuff from the weekend. Which by itself is not a bad thing — to remember only good things. But I was shocked at how selective my memory was about something that just happened that made me angry and influenced my emotional state — fortunately only episodically. Remembering things is tricky, now I want to remember it.