Selfishness

August 29th, 2023

It is still complicated for me to understand and accept the difference between selfishness and love for myself. I still carefully check and probe my attempts to express or experience love for my being because of the potential appearance of selfishness. And then I usually do not follow through because I don't want to appear selfish. Or inconsiderate of others.

After the fact, I get angry at myself when I realize that I didn't show myself love and didn't take care of myself and my needs — which is basically the same. I promise myself that next time I will put myself in front and only after that will I go about caring and loving others. Most of the time, it just doesn't happen again and my anger escalates.

And my thirst for love deepens as well. Since I can remember I was taught that loving myself is wrong, that putting myself first and foremost is rude and unbecoming. I still cannot shake this burden from me. I still look at what I can do for others, and how can I show my love and dedication (and servitude as well) to everybody around me besides myself.

Love of myself is not in any way identical to selfishness — actually, it is quite the opposite. Selfishness is a vulgar greediness. And like all kinds of greediness, it contains insatiability and, as a consequence, it can never bring satisfaction and fulfillment and even momentary enjoyment — it only brings the exhaustion of a constant craving for more.

A selfish person burns with envy with all the life forces, is always restless, and is in fear of not getting enough or missing out on something (or that others might get something instead). Selfishness is rooted in the very lack of fondness and love for oneself. It brings anxiety and a lack of approval for daring to just be yourself.

And that is not me.

Then, why is it so difficult to understand and use this difference when it comes to my actions? Why am I still not able to freely and spontaneously show myself love and be proud of it?