Slowing down
July 14th, 2024
I was somewhat surprised yesterday — about what happened, but mostly about my reaction to it. I was riding my bicycle as I do on weekends, trying to get some kilometers to my monthly tally and keeping good time at that as well. The idiot driver didn't slow down while making a turn and we came into very close proximity as I was riding across the street. Nothing happened physically, we passed each other by a few meters while both furiously braking. Then we screamed at each other, trying to vent anger and frustration and an adrenaline rush. Then we both went on our way. I felt shaken by this encounter, and angry. Or rather furious. Nothing happened, but it was close to something bad happening. Then the surprise came — I was able to let it go. I was expecting that this situation would stay with me for a while and ruin my weekend, but after an hour or so, it was just a recorded memory. There were some short flares of remembering and that kindled my anger again, but that went away quickly and without much work from me.
My thinking led me to several conclusions from that incident. And that incident was only a culmination or in-your-face reminder that, for a while now, I had been constantly rushing. I was rushing all aspects of my life — in my professional life trying to cram all that I needed to do in eight hours, then in my private life, where I had been rushing all I wanted to do, so I would have more time to relax. And I also rushed my relaxation — trying to fit as much leisure into my free time as possible. Everything had to be on a good schedule and in tempo to keep a good time. That is why I feel so tired all the time. All that rushing and the anger it causes…. And I almost did the same today — there are intermittent showers forecasted for today and I saw on the radar an hour without rain opening where I can put some bicycling in for today, so I started rushing my morning ablutions and my Sunday breakfast. But then I caught myself. Where would be any pleasure in that if I had to rush the exercise that is supposed to make me feel good? I finished my breakfast in peace and now after writing this, I will go for a walk with an umbrella in my hand for the upcoming rain. It will be a slow walk.
