Small steps

April 21st, 2023

“Sometimes we must undergo hardships, breakups, and narcissistic wounds, which shatter the flattering image that we had of ourselves, in order to discover two truths: that we are not who we thought we were; and that the loss of a cherished pleasure is not necessarily the loss of true happiness and well-being. ”
― Jean-Yves Leloup, Compassion and Meditation: The Spiritual Dynamic between Buddhism and Christianity

First of all — what image of myself did I shatter? And I did shatter it into dust when I started my recovery. That image I had was a false one from the get-go and from years of lying to myself about all aspects of my life. That image wasn’t flattering at all, it was wounded and paranoid and hopeless. And it was weighing me down until I was able to shatter it. I collected broken pieces of my ego to remold myself into NOT a new me, but into the real me as I always was, underneath the addiction. But I did discover the truth about myself — I like that real me, but I still want more from who I am and from what I can still achieve. Now I am at the point of making small steps, small adjustments here and there while cherishing the safety and pleasurable routine of my life.

And what now?

I have a pretty good idea of who I am, but I am still open to new discoveries and let myself surprise me in a myriad of different ways still. I can still (but not easily) persuade myself into going in different directions with small forays beyond my comfort zone. But my comfort zone is always within my sight and within my lazy and easy reach. I know there is still another layer to myself underneath the comfortable persona I enjoy now. But would that be a better or worse me? Of course, to find out I would have to forget about my comfortable routines and pleasureful life. I think I would not be disappointed with a new challenge and a different way of being. The problem is not even making the first step, it is rather making a decision to make the first step. And then agreeing internally and mentally with the step to be taken. Once the decision is made, the step will be only a logical consequence of the decision. I am verging very close to making that decision, but some annoying and nagging constraints (mostly imaginary) are still holding me back. What is positive in this conundrum is that I rationally think about it, there is no hurry and no internal push either to get it over with it or forget it. That is a step in the right direction in itself.