Subconscious desire

January 12th, 2023

It was almost like playing a game in an escape room. But on a much bigger scale. And with a huge group of people — we had our numbers assigned and printed on name tags, we had hi-visibility vests, and received a briefing of what is our goal. As we were listening, I noticed some people already going out and getting a jump start on others. I followed and soon I was at the lead. It looked so easy — we were supposed to reach an assigned destination as soon as possible by going through different rooms, foyers, and halls, all connected by underground passageways. I had a checklist in my hand and was going point by point, place by place, and it all made sense — one thing was connected to the previous one and led to another, it was logical and predictable. And then I saw a possibility to take a shortcut — going through the lobby and walking out the door to the side of the building. I was sure that I will be the first to get to the finish. But to my surprise, as I walked to the last building, I saw the last marauders from the group already going in. I was last for all who participated. I was angry as I get to the finish line but as was mingling with people there it seemed that achieving the high finishing position didn’t matter — we all were invited to a meal. I was going from table to table, loading my plate with all the delicious food, and being invited to sit down with those or other people. Everybody was friendly and the mood was very pleasant and even celebratory.

And then I woke up.

I rarely dream, and even rarer is for me to remember any dreams I might have. This one was picture-perfect high definition clear in my mind and memory when I opened my eyes. I don’t pay much attention to my dreams whenever they happen. But this time, I not only remembered this dream but also felt very uneasy about it. I don’t want to think too much about the possible meaning of my dreams, but here I had several questions:

• Was that dream a warning about taking shortcuts and looking for an easy way to be the best or the first? Was it a reprimand for giving up on doing what is right since in the end no one cared about it and I still got my reward in the end? Or if that wasn’t really the reward, then there was no punishment for my transgression.
• Or was that dream a warning or admonition about being too rigid in my way of living and accepting what is wrong and right? It is not possible to do what is perfectly right all the time — that would be too exhausting for anybody. And in the end, there was no penalty for cutting the corners, actually, no one paid any attention to it.

Both of those options are striking since in the last couple of days I had some very short, even fleeting doubts about if what I do is right and correct. I thought about maybe not giving up per se, but maybe modifying what I do and have been doing for years. That is wrong — I know I don’t want to give up on anything I do now (ok, maybe I want to quit smoking — but that is that). There are desires still in my head, positive ones, and negative ones as well — which will lead me astray. I take this dream as a warning — my easy and happy life is a gift and a precious one at that. I need to be careful, keep working on getting better, and feel even more on solid ground. I feel like my mind is finding a way to give me caution and advice. And I feel like my mind is finally working to my benefit.