Sublimation

June 18th, 2023

My sublimations are numerous and varied. I distill the essence of myself and turn it into socially acceptable behavior in most actions I do as repetitive acts. The bottled-up energy of the true me densifies as neurotic actions in an attempt to ascend from the depths of my soul to find the outlet in the sublimation of the quintessence of how I truly am.

I write here and on other media forums since it is a proper and socially acceptable way of presenting views and ideas and sharing them in anonymity. I really want to shout from rooftops and on all the corners pointing out the failings and wrongness of all that step into my way — and I am too much of a coward to engage in something like that.

I create things that often never leave my mind and are too ephemeral to gain any true shape. I call it a spiritual activity that is needed for my well-being, when in reality my creativity is no more than a vague and aimless attempt at immortality. I want to leave behind something that is more solid and will last longer than my body.

I require strict order and perfection in all I do. Everything needs to be planned and executed in the correct way and just like so. This is simply my compensation for a terrible fear of freedom and choice and responsibility that comes from the unpredictable randomness of life. I pretend that I am in control and do not allow variations of choice.

I constantly search for beauty and consider this search my main aim in life. I find it often, I enjoy it and cherish it but each find only covers the anger that comes from drudgery and ugliness that surrounds me. Physical and spiritual and mental and ethical ugliness is prevalent no matter which way I look. Here a full-scale transformation takes place for my enjoyment.