Surprising lack of elation
April 26th, 2023
Everything is signed, and all is in order — after numerous checks and rechecks. At the end of June, I will leave my current job after 7 years and will start a new one at the beginning of July. I was tirelessly and honestly working on that for the last 6 months and thought about it for two years and finally I get the result I wanted. There was a lot of hard work, rejection, and doubt along the way. But I never gave up, I pushed through another pile of rejection emails and hard comedowns to reality after what seemed like perfect job interviews without an offer. I persevered even when I wanted to give up on the search and put my head down and stick with shit I already knew. Rejection is hard, especially for someone like me who is just building up self-esteem after decades of accepting the lie that I was incurably worthless. Now, I know my value, and I am proud of who I am and what I accomplished with my life over the last few years — so it was hard to understand that others might not see it, or think that I overestimate myself and my worth. No matter — it's their loss and a new start for me. Soon.
What surprises me now is that as much as I feel happy and content, I think I should feel more of it. I should be more elated about accomplishing something that was difficult to achieve. Or maybe now I overestimate my need for emotions? I feel calm and confident — and no more than that. I know that I still have two months at my current job and I know my boss will not make it easy on me — she said as much without actually saying it today… Then there will be a learning curve at the new job — not just from a professional standpoint, but also how I will fit in with and among new people. But that will be then. Starting today I have 7 days off, and the weather should be ok for that time — a good time to rest and get recharged and do a couple of quick trips here and there.
Maybe in all that I am really surprised by my maturity. Fitting emotion for someone who recently turned 49 and finally can be happy and content and calm and thoughtful at the same time. Well, well — maybe the real surprise is me and my behavior. Who knew?
