Taking a good and hard look
April 12th
About a year and a half ago, I bought an entire set — several sketchbooks with different shades and grades of paper, pencils of different hardness, some charcoals (black and white), and erasers. Since then, all that is sitting on the bottom shelf in my study room, gathering dust. Literally. Yesterday it took a while to get it clean (it helped that most of this stuff is still wrapped in plastic film). Since I bought it, I left it there, so I will see it every day and won’t forget about it. I had a particular reason for it, and yesterday I pulled it all out and spend a good half an hour just sitting and looking at it, thinking.
Creativity and the physical act of creating are extremely important to me. Be it writing, cooking, or gardening — something that I do with my hands according to the thought process in my head, and then I see the result in front of me. Something that wasn’t there but now is and exists in one or the other medium. Something that is wholly and solely mine. Something that is a visible example of my thoughts and emotions brought alive for now, and it becomes a record for the future at the same time.
I liked to draw and paint(or doodle — whatever it can be called) as a child, but as I remember, there was no encouragement and support for it either from the family or the school. As a teen, I strived to be cool, so drawing and painting were not an option and I didn’t pursue it any further. When I was in my early twenties, I started it again as a hobby and something to do in my spare time. Suddenly I revised, that I am good at it. And every day I was getting better (now it might be a good time for some cliché about practice…). I was having fun and happiness from the entire process of creation. But I wasn’t having any fun and happiness in my life at this point, and also had no one to share it with. So I stopped again — this time for twenty-five years.
For months, I had this urge that was getting stronger and stronger by day. Urge to go back to creating art — starting with drawing, moving to watercolors, and then possibly to oils. I kept this urge in check since realistically I don’t have time for yet another hobby (interest or pastime) now. I am fine with what I do and how I do it now in my spare time, and I don’t want to overextend myself. And I know now that once I start, I will put my energy into it and will not give up easily in the face of difficulties. Or I won’t give up at all. But something will have to give.
All that I wrote above is just an exercise in rhetoric — I already know I will start practicing drawing and see where it will take me. What I need to do is to find a way to fit all that I do in my life (work and personal) in order. Fit it in a structure in such a way that I can spend time on my interest and hobbies, but also have time for idleness (or self-care). Not an easy challenge, but doable with some creativity and attention to harmony in all I want to do.
