Testing myself

October 12th, 2023

I tested myself, or maybe I was tested and I passed without a glitch — from a physical/technical standpoint. From a mental standpoint — it caused me a lot of struggle and anxiety. But let's start from the beginning:

I spent two days at a company-wide conference. Everything went nice and easy and interesting. I finally met some people from different offices face-to-face and met some completely new and nice people as well. The problem was the celebratory supper yesterday. I knew what was coming — after a long day of sitting and talking and listening, everybody needed an outlet. And what is the easiest and most common way to do it when in a big group of people (there were 150 of us) — drinking, of course. I have already been to some events in the last year where people who were there drank alcohol. And I watched myself carefully and was actually surprised that overall it was easy for me not to drink and participate in those events. Most of the time, I wasn't even paying attention to the alcohol there. Last night I did the same, but the sheer quantity of what people were drinking at every table and just everywhere was staggering. I was even asked to pour some wine for some bigwigs seated at my table, and I did, and nothing happened. Of course, that wasn't done for any malicious reason. Nobody at my new place of work knows about my addiction and my last three years being alcohol-free. They just know I don't drink and I like it to stay this way — no ambiguity. I left after 3 hours and went to bed, where I spent the night tossing and turning and even having a brief alcohol-related dream. And that is no good for my mental well-being.

I know there will be more of those kinds of events. This one was compulsory, but I know I could have figured out something not to attend. I don't give a shit about what others might think about me, so that wouldn't be a problem. Yet, I feel today like I was tested, and quite against my will. I’d rather not be tested in this way again. I think I will look for ways to avoid anything like that happening in the future. That might be cowardly, but safe and reassuring in my sobriety and I will stick with this idea. There is a lot of going in my life now, and I don't want to add anymore to that.