The change will do me good
October 19th
This is an obvious season for changes — the weather, the colors of the leaves, the length of the day, less sun, more rain — everything changes, and not for the better. And I have noticed that every year since I got sober (so that is, let me count — exactly two years, which I figure is a good statistical sample) at exactly this time of year I get THE ITCH. A strong and mostly insatiable feeling of a need and a want to change something, anything, be it small or big — about my life.
Now, this feeling doesn’t necessarily lead to actual changes, to some groundbreaking decision made and then implemented for action. The fact itself of working on a change, checking options and looking at potential results, calculating the costs (monetary and in the time needed), and adjusting for potential benefits or losses is good enough for keeping me occupied and happy for weeks and even months. And when the decision is finally made — that brings so much relief and joy that for a while I feel like I am walking on air.
Come to think about it — the process of making changes in this exact yearly time period started two years ago with a bang and a decision that was made quickly and without much deliberation. I had to get (and stay) sober to keep being alive. And the question I asked myself was if I want to be alive — for myself (not because if I am not around someone else might be sad) and if I am still capable of happiness. And the answer was — I don’t know — and paradoxically it was the correct answer.
I didn’t know how normal life feels like without constant substance abuse, I didn’t know if I can be happy with just myself without any stimulants. I didn’t know what I was missing in my life and if that is worth going on and embarking on an extremely difficult road to recovery. I forgot about the normalcy of everyday life and the natural highs that come with happiness in small (and big) discoveries about who actually I am. I wanted to try again, to try to feel something real, to be able to look at myself in the mirror without revulsion and with maybe even curiosity. To do that, to find out the truth about myself — I had to make the first step and then see how it goes. That was a decision I made quickly and in reality, the same decision is still made daily by me. And there are no regrets.
