The day I almost lost myself
May 12th
Things take time for me. There are thoughts that need to stay in my mind for a while, to mature and gain solidity. Sometimes it bothers me, that inability to react immediately to the situation or emotion at hand. But overall, I like the fact that I give myself the time to think things over and see them from different sides. I don’t need to react instantly to the chatter and humming in and around my head. Especially when the matter at hand is serious and strange and possibly dangerous.
About a year ago… Yes, it took me a year to think about that particular situation. I would go back once in a while to think again about what happened, and was trying to figure out circumstances and emotions and judgments relating to it. And I was no closer to understanding it than I was on the day it happened. And then, yesterday while reading a book, suddenly a sentence on a completely different subject brought me back to what happened last year and gave me more understanding. So let me try again –
About a year ago, I went on a day trip to an abandoned village. It was a pleasant and quiet adventure — first of all, to get there (the village was abandoned before the Second World War and is in the middle of a deep forest) and then just to walk around the houses and farm buildings that are still standing there. Abandoned but keeping the shape and the feel of long gone past time. After a stroll there, I went on a hike along the forest road on my way to where I had to leave my car. I went off the road, just walking on a small hill between the trees, slowly moving into a wilderness. Right away, I could feel that something was wrong. There was just a slow and warm wind in the leaves in the branches, birds were chirping. It was sunny, but there was also a feeling of dread. But that didn’t stop me from going even further into the woods. I could feel the nervousness in me and creeping anxiety, and yet step by step I kept going. Then there was a sudden terror that hit my mind. I forced myself to stop and just gather my wits. I felt that if I keep going even one more step further, I will not stop. I will keep going deeper and deeper to an unknown end. Slowly, I turned around and made my way to a path and then to my car. I was already calm as I returned to civilization, but that sudden urge to just keep going into the unknown wilderness was kept somewhere in the back of my mind. I couldn’t explain to myself what and why had happened. Today, the plausible explanation is that the forest wanted to take possession of me. The animistic spirits dwelling there felt that I could be gullible and weak enough to let myself be led astray. Maybe even somewhere in a recess of my soul, there was a kindred understanding of a force stronger than just a human life that might require a sacrifice.
I stopped myself that time. Now, I feel the unexplained need to go back to that forest, to that spot where that incident happened last year. I will be busy the next few weekends, but I already know that one day soon I will be back there again to experience this place once more. To try myself and the depth of my perception of the unknown. And I will be watching my steps carefully.
