March 31st, 2023
I strive to be good. To be good and productive and reliable and mostly to be perfect in my own eyes. Or is it really to be perfect in my eyes or to be perfect in reflection of myself in eyes of others? Most likely the latter, although I am my own fiercest and harshly unfair judge.
Perfection is not achievable, I know that. There is no such thing as perfection since there is always a possibility to do something better, to be better. Even in cases when everything seems to work just the way it should there is always a question of a repeat performance at that level.
I know that and yet I don't apply it to my actions and my thoughts. I let my unsatisfied and subconscious needs mess with my mind and my emotions and imbalance the equilibrium needed for regular/normal existence and peace of mind with everyday problems.
And I need the equilibrium between my expectations and my reality of being. The balance between the good and bad parts of me and of my psyche. Obviously, I don't want to bad part of myself to take over, on the other hand — constant striving for goodness is exhausting.
And frustrating since good is never enough, and good always wants to be better. And that leads to a stark realization of the inadequateness of expected versus achievable. That wreaks havoc on my mind and on the way I think of and see and judge myself.
All that can be made better… That word again… Why can it be just good and average and plain and ordinary? Why can it just be the way where I am only a nudge over the balance to the good side without all the hassle and tiredness of better, not to say anything about perfect?