The totality of déjà vu

April 8th, 2023

It took only a second for me to register the totality of this particular experience. It seemed quite innocent at first, but there was this unnerving internal shimmer in what I felt that I had to stop and take a close look at the occurrence of something that was ordinary and yet was leaving sinister undertones in the totality of this incident.

It was just a normal Saturday morning, I went to do shopping as I usually do — but this morning I went to a shopping mall where I rarely go, no more than three-four times a year. As I walked from one shop and went across the parking lot to my car I felt the deep foreboding in this ordinary activity as being an out-of-place and out-of-body affair.

I put my shopping in the car and walked to the other side to another store being trailed by a train of thought I couldn't quite place and hear. Leaving that other store the realization came over me — I remembered that I went through all that before, through all the particularities of what I was experiencing right then and right there.

It might seem silly — of course, this shopping mall is a place I frequent — rarely — but still over the years, I have been there tens of times. And it is conceivable that in previous years I was there at the same approximate time of the season, going from store to store in the same order, and that happening today just seemed somewhat familiar.

A simple deja vu, which I experienced several times in my life before. But no — this time it was completely different from a random encounter of similarity to a particular memory. It was much deeper. It felt in its totality as if every second and every step I took this morning in that place was already done some other time and today I was just reliving it.

I felt in a way as I was watching myself repeat this mundane activity of shopping on Saturday morning in Spring. But I was also aware of what was happening — in the parking lot, I stopped and looked around, and yes — the remembering of the exact repetition of my past actions was palpable and I felt unsettled and a little frightened.

The way my brain/mind works can still surprise me. Mostly in positive ways, although on occasions it yet tries to lead me in a direction I don't want to go — even just in thoughts. I don't know if there is a reason behind what I experienced today or if it was simply a random caprice. No matter — it was memorable in its way and I don't mind the variety of experiences.